heartbreak

I guess heartbreak comes in many different forms. I read about that couple on BuzzFeed who were so in love that, when he popped his cogs, she was mere days after him. The autopsy showed that she literally died from heartbreak and a) that is the cutest thing ever but b) I don't think all heartbreak results in physical death. At least I fricken hope it doesn't.

Recently one of my friends was in a real bad way and I think we both got broken hearts from what went down. She had more understandable reasons for her heartbreak but, when she took confidence in another girl at college, jeez did my heart break in two. I mean we went out with our other best friend on Friday and all was well, but for 2 days last week something changed. We're stronger for it now and that electricity in the air when us three are together is undeniable and I'm glad that we overcame it but, for those two days, my heart was well and truly under her boots.

Heartbreak is a weird feeling. Sometimes your favourite characters split up and by this point you've watched more than enough episodes or read more than enough chapters to be so emotionally invested in their relationship. It's lying on your bed or on your beanbag crying at Netflix, watching films or TV series when we're at our most vulnerable; when we submit ourselves so much into a show your heart gets put in its vice and you're well and truly fucked.

Or sometimes you've just watched your vinyl's spin enough times and you've cried enough tears over Ian Curtis to understand that someone who died 30 odd years ago is so important to you and your heart still cracks. I don't think it's quite the same as full on heartbreak, but your hearts damaged so I'd say it comes under the category of heartbreak or at least heartache. Crying over someone who was dead long before you were born is a weird feeling but watching that Joy Division documentary and then scratching your genuine 1979 JD vinyl the next day is more than enough to cause a little breakdown and for your heart to crack a little deeper.

Sometimes; when your hair just isn't white enough or your jeans just a little too long or your hats a little too wide or your tshirt covered in a little too much make up at the neck line, it all gets a bit crushing. The minor imperfections all take their toll when you have to deal with them for just a little too long and, the sheer quantity rather than their importance, gets a little too much as you cry into you contact lens pot. Ironically adding to the problem because now you have to go and clean that before you can stick your lenses back in it.

The impending stress of college gives me heartbreak no end. The constant knock down of your essay not being synoptic enough, or your coursework being too long, or your teacher being too shit, or the fucking uniform policy is enough to send anyone into overdrive. The relentlessness of going to college every day is exhausting and the more I go and the more points I rack up for attendance, the more my heart breaks and the more my individuality is a little bit more repressed. This is the biggest heartbreak at the minute for 18 year old me.

And just to add to it, when you're stood up by a boy who you think may provide a few answers or just a breath of fresh air; sucks big time. When you use a wet wipe to clean the mud off your doc martens and get one of you best friends to pin up your stupidly frizzy blonde hair, and wait outside of Starbucks for 15 minutes to get a text blowing you off - is a heartbreak. It's no big deal; it's not like I'm expecting a hand written letter and a bunch of yellow roses in apology, it's just another knock back which adds to the pile. And to receive a Snapchat of his lush watch 4 weeks later just doesn't cut it.

All in all, heartbreak is stressful and saddening but maybe when you move to a new city and sit in your crumby studio flat looking out at the city landscape in your oversized jumper and knickers - you might finally be in love with something that is the cello tape to your broken heart.