lies you shouldn't tell on tinder

Like many other millennial singletons, I have dabbled with Tinder. Although entertaining, when you're not overly serious about meeting someone (whether its for a hook up or not), it can be frustrating to use. There’s the excitement of being liked back - but being matched with someone is something very different. “Shit, it’s a match and I might be messaged by some boy” is something that often passes through the regular Tinder-user’s mind. But you still find yourself holding your breath a little bit after perusing their profile and eventually deciding to swipe right. I’m not here to tell you that you should or should not use it because you’ll either end up with a bruised clitoris, or you may even get married like those four couples on Cosmo.

Tinder has a weird stigma attached to it. There’s the “oh my god you actually use Tinder” reactions from your friends and colleagues, but then when you find someone and actually get chatting you don’t feel as stupid for using it. I think its that humanity that draws people to the app initially, and back to it again after having deleted it for five months. It’s the hopefulness of people who are genuinely looking for love in their city and the surrounding 25km which makes the app kind of endearing.

As a nineteen-year-old single girl, I feel as if I am in a good enough position to be critical of the entertaining, the odd, and the downright stupidity of some profiles I have come across in my time on the little red app.

1)         Don’t pretend to be a celebrity.

Nick Jonas, I know that’s not you

2)         Go easy on the hair gel in your photos.

The NSYNC look died in 2002, let it rest in peace.

3)         Don’t only include group pictures.

To be honest Dan, I have no idea who you are.

4)         Alternatively, don’t make it look like you're your only friend.

I didn’t even know you could FaceTime yourself.

5)         Don’t be so surprised when your pictures come out quite well.

You’re a lot prettier than you think you are.

6)         Don’t lie about being exotic.

No offense, but you are clearly in some shitty club in Deansgate – that’s quite the commute. Also, your location is a dead giveaway, you're not living it up in Marbella are you? Be honest.

7)         Don’t lie about your age.

21 my arse.

8)         Don’t hide your face in every picture.

WHAT DO YOU EVEN LOOK LIKE?

9)         Don’t have kids in your pictures. Not because we don’t want to think of kids being in the mix – because we just don’t care.

I'm not really bothered if that’s your nephew, Dimitri. Stop trying to make yourself a “family guy” and extra cute by holding a baby.

10)   Tell girls what they ought to do in your description.

I find it incredibly sexy when I swipe left.

11)   Don’t have friends who I know.

I’ll be damned if you think I'm going to meet you and then all we do is talk about my coursemate we both happen to know and then, when it inevitably ends badly, you go and bitch about me to him. Not going to happen.

12)   Only talk about work in your description.

I’m glad you’ve got your life on track, but I've never watched a full episode of Dragons’ Den.

13)   Don’t fill your six slots with side profile pictures.

Again, WHAT DO YOU EVEN LOOK LIKE? Or use the word ‘cheeky’ followed by the tongue-out-eyes-scrunched emoji for that matter.

14)   Don’t be touching up others in your pictures.

Think you need to change your preference settings, pal.