everything you can image is real

As I lie in my bed at my Nan's house surrounded by Roses chocolate wrappers, I try to remind myself that even though I'm having a tough time right now, things are almost certainly going to pick up. I also try to remember a quote by one of my favourite artists (to be honest it doesn't take much to make it onto my "admired artists" list), Pablo Picasso, "everything you can imagine is real". Although I do feel like a bit of a hypocrite as my iPad wallpaper is current a montage of the cut outs from Matisse's late work.

I look forward to receiving my second hand, worn out copy of The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath in the post and having a good cry. As I near the end of Animal Farm and am unable to reach the rest of my books in storage, I am alerted of my need to read something or see something new because looking up Klimt on Google Images is no longer cutting it for me. Also it's gonna run up a huge telephone bill that I just don't want to deal with. I also want to get the new Harper Lee book for my Aunty who's favourite book is TKAMB but I might have to give it a super quick read before I pass it onto her.

I've also ordered some new make up brushes to try and treat myself a little bit because in the last couple of months I have found that wearing a bit more bronzer or playing about with eyeshadow boosts my confidence a little bit. Buying those brushes just takes me one step closer to fulfilling my true calling of being a makeup artist.

In addition to this I look forward to travelling on the train for about 4 hours next weekend to see one of my best friends that I haven't seen for over 2 years and going to his new house and maybe getting a new tattoo and just being in London. I cannot begin to describe how much I enjoy London and all the culture and art available there. I also take a weird sort of comfort from the fact that I can go pretty much anywhere in the world from London. With about £400 in my bank account, I could fly to Zurich or get the Eurostar to Paris if I chose to. Alas I will only be getting the train back to Newcastle next Sunday - but that's okay too. After seeing one of my best friends in the whole world, nothing will properly be able to rain on my parade.

I also fondly remember the Circa Waves gig I went to back in April whenever I listen to Young Chasers and, as I think about the confetti falling during Tshirt Weather whenever I listen to that track, I try really hard to keep repeating the bridge, "it's gonna be okay", to myself. Music has a really weird way of comforting me. Whether the track is an upbeat song like Tshirt Weather or a slower song like Think Too Much Feel Too Little by Jaws, listening to music really puts me in a good place and I think that's why I refuse to throw out my little metallic purple 2007 iPod Nano and instead take it literally everywhere with me.

Not really having my own space at the minute has proved to be especially difficult for me at the minute, especially when I'm so used to having my own room that I can escape to. I think that's why I look so forward to being on my own with my headphones for about 4 hours next weekend. So when my sister comes into our bedroom I close my eyes and imagine that I will eventually have my own space again, whether it's at uni or at our new house. And, if Picasso is right, everything I imagine will be real.

Although I'm a bit down right now, I hope that everything I can plan and remember in my head is real and that this just gonna take a bit of perseverance on my part to get through it. So having my friends call me for 1hr and 40 minutes whilst I order shit on eBay or talk me through a film is the best thing in the world at the moment. I wonder if Pablo and Kieran would've been friends - although I love both of their styles, I'm not sure they would've totally clicked. I guess that's the beauty of being a third party; you can appreciate both artists and imagine your own little gallery with Le Rêve on the walls and Fossils playing in the speakers and, for you, it is real.

all of my pre-uni fears

After a night of reading almost every article under the university tag on The Debrief at 2am last night, I have realised that I'm worried about a lot more things when I go to university than I initially thought. There are the classic worries such as living off Sainsbury’s basics baked beans for 3 years and being friendless until I leave for the summer holidays next year but, as I lay on my bed last night staring at the ceiling, I came to terms with the fact that I may have a few other fears too.

I might actually get homesick

I’m not so bothered about leaving home and my immediate family because I know I’ll never shake them off even if I tried, but I'm really worried about leaving my college friends behind. Last night I found myself frantically looking at train tickets from Manchester to Durham, Sheffield, York, and London all within a few days of each other, planning one massive round trip to see all my friends in about the second week of October after I’d have been at uni for about three weeks. This is probably my most underestimated worry as I always assumed we’d stay in touch due to the ease of sending a WhatsApp message or a brief 10 minute FaceTime call, but when you’re not seeing each other every day it’s just not quite the same is it? I’m pretty sure we’ll find a way to make it work (especially if I have another night like last night but with the danger of a student loan in my bank account and a rail card in my purse) because I’ll definitely need someone aside from my mum to talk to about the cute boy in the flat upstairs.

I'm really worried about getting lost in a new city and having no one to call and ask

When moving to university, the idea of being in a major city with countless things to do and see is, of course, exciting – but how do you get there? And how do you get back at 1:30am with no prior knowledge of the streets? Living in a little town like Colchester is fine because there are about 2 main streets and your mum can always come and pick you up; but at university you need to know where the taxi ports are, how much money you need for a taxi, where your halls are, and lots of other worrying things. Then again it’s probably not realistic for any student to get a taxi unless they're majorly desperate as there is no money left in my allowance after buying 6 shots, some Hooch, and several beers. Also, as a girl, it’s inevitable that I'm unable to walk home even if it is straight forward and could save me about a tenner, because it’s just not safe for me to walk home at 2am on my own – especially in a big city (even if I am wearing Doc Martens). And just to add to this, I can’t call my new flatmates a little panicky because I lost them in Wetherspoons and am now standing in the street outside pretending I'm fine but with no idea where I am or how to get back to my room. You could argue that it’s best just to hit dial when you’re in that position, but this is university and I'm supposed to be independent and all that, and on top of that I have to create a rep for being the super cool, chilled one in our flat so I don’t want to ruin that by calling someone in the early hours on the verge of tears. Looks like I'm going to have to swallow a bit of my pride at some point this winter dunnit.

There's a chance I’ll slip into a bad place

As The Debrief pointed out, university is a breeding ground for depression. I’ll be pretty much on my own, with money worries, and no food in my belly (I mean I’ll make it look good because my wardrobe will be great and I’ll go all sorts of places, but I’ll also be starving). And this is something I’m really worried about. With my course having fewer contact hours, this means that I’ll have more time to excuse myself to huddle in my duvet with a book or watching something on Netflix on my iPad; but this extended isolation isn’t going to do anything for my social life. I have an idea in my head that my future pals and I are going to go out for £2 largers every other night, but then again if I never leave my flat how do I expect to do that? I’m a little worried about getting in the cycle of not leaving my room and not being able to go to a gig or something that I really want to attend just because I’d be on my own. I don’t really want to be texting my little sister like “ha ha yeah me and the flatmates are in the pub sorry about the slow replies !! [beer emoji]” when in reality I can see her messages as soon as they come through, and then two minutes later when the double alert goes off as it buzzes in the mess of my duvet pretzel I've somehow managed to create by being in bed for two days straight without brushing my hair or changing my knickers.

I also may be penniless and alone for the majority of my first year

I never normally make friends really quickly so I’m, of course, worried about that first of all. But also, if I'm unable to find a job pretty speedily, I'm worried about having money troubles on top of this. Luckily I do have a family who can help me if I get really desperate at that taxi port on the other side of town at 2am, but I’m not in the position where they can pay for me to buy new clothes or do a full £65 shop every week. And on top of that, these are my first steps into adulthood and I want to be self-reliant and not have to depend on people so much. Your social life at uni and your bank account go hand in hand and there’s always the worry that I’ll get tempted by gig tickets or that really necessary trip to London and screw things up. I have no idea how to pre-plan for these things as all the previous articles I've ever read all go “budget your meals!! get a unidays card!! take your own coffee to campus!!” and I think I'm just going to wing it the first term and pray that I can get my shit together by term two.

the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb

dedicated to my closest friends leon, rebecca, kati, tori, millie, marie, bella, and abbie .x

“forget our mothers and past lovers forget everyone” – Bros by Wolf Alice

There is no amount of adjectives in the dictionary that I could use to describe the importance of friendship. Personally, I know that without friends I wouldn’t have been able to have some of the best days of my life, and I wouldn’t have gotten through the worst days without them. There is no way to describe what it feels like to be sharing a bed at 2am, or a path way in the scorching heat with someone who genuinely means so much to you. There is a certain amount of comfort in knowing that these people aren’t going to hurt you and that you're able to drop your guard enough around these people and they're going to accept you either way.

And I don’t see any harm in having more than one set of friends. You are not defined by one thing such as your choice of music, or your preferred school subject, or how you dress, you can wear jeans and hoodie one day, and a skirt and sandals another - and why should you have to choose? The beauty of having more than one group of friends is that you are always happy and always have someone to turn to! I'm in three group chats and I had classes with three different friendship groups and all it meant was that I had three times the amount of fun. There was never a class where I felt unwelcome and that was so important because I'm young and I was also starting at a new school.

Following on from that, there is absolutely nothing wrong or harmful or different about having a friend of the opposite gender. Who else am I supposed to text about how boys dry their dick after they go for a wee? It’s not something I’d feel entirely comfortable asking my dad. My best friend in the entire world is a boy and I am a girl, and I guess it’s not as common as same sex friendships, but I think the openness and honesty we have with each other makes us stronger. Any good relationship is supposed to go through ups and downs, so when we fell out for three months a couple of years ago, it only made us see how valuable our friendship is. It’s so frustrating when we’re not allowed to hang out in my room because we’re on our own. Just because I have knickers drying on my radiator doesn’t mean he's gonna jump my bones? What do you think that he thinks I'm wearing beneath my jeans? There’s a memorable tumblr post about this, which I have no idea how to find, but it goes something like “I don’t want to take him to my room and make out, I want to throw game pieces at his head when he beats me at the game” or something and it’s the truest thing I have ever read. Chill out we are just best friends. SO WHAT IF WE WERE MAKING OUT ANYWAY?! I trust him with more of myself than my ex-boyfriend.

My favourite story is that two of my closest friends and I became friends after I referenced that mitochondria text post in an outburst one history lesson and the rest (god forgive me for this pun) was history. And in another class, I piped up and asked to have lunch with another two girls and we’ve been best friends ever since. But the one thing that stumps me is how our Economics banta chat only started several months ago, because since then we’ve been to several parties together and been to gigs and I have no idea what we did before the chat in all honesty.

I've had no experience of having a romantic relationship so far in my life, so I think it just makes the bonds I make with these people even stronger. There really is nothing that I wouldn’t do for these people and it stuns me every day how some people who were up the road from me for five years would turn out to be some of the people I hold closest to my heart, and the faces I had lunch with every day would gradually fade from me. At such a young, emotional age these things are so important because your parents don’t understand the position you’re in because they’ve aged since then, and your siblings aren’t your age either, so friendship becomes so pivotal to you. And at this age, we’re all discovering new things and there is no one else apart from my friends who I’d want to see the world for the first time with.

livin life feelin free

Whenever I listen to Common People by Pulp, I kind of feel a little bit of sympathy for the girl who wants to live her life outside of the fake bubble that her father provides, and I kind of want to punch Pulp for slagging off the girl rather than helping her live her life even if it was just for the one night. Then again, never was there such a plotline with such sexual tension between the two characters mentioned and, although I think they were too quick to judge, I have to congratulate Pulp on an absolute banger.

Now I've finished my exams and have been able to lie in bed until 11:45am, listening to Take That, and playing the Jurassic World iPhone game (which is bloody excellent may I add), it does leave me with a serious problem – what the heck am I supposed to do until late September when I start uni?! I have one overarching objective; and that’s to do as much as I can on a tight budget, and see as many things as I can. I have a few things lined up already, like going to see a photography exhibition in London in a few weeks, and going to one of my best friends’ house in the countryside for a few days and just breathe in some clean air and do some hiking and swimming and other things they do in soppy films and novels. But I also have a few goals I want to fulfil. I want to get a few more tattoos, and drink as much as I can in one night – I've only ever been drunk sick once and it was almost 2 years ago and I’d like to experience it again I think. I want to see some more art and films and read some more. I've deeply missed reading since exams didn’t really allow for it.

However, these are all things that I think I ought to be doing but mostly I will be watching TV like Love Island which I'm bloody hooked on, and Pretty Little Liars which is the world’s longest murder mystery and has caught me hook, line, and sinker; and also a few of my other friends after discussions on Twitter. I also want to highlight the peril of Google and hashtags in this situation. Do NOT under ANY circumstances go to google the relatively fit teacher, Ezra, from Pretty Little Liars -unless you want to ruin plotlines for yourself. It’s not even safe to Google Image search. And, as for Vine, it’s just as bad to use the #PLL hashtag or go on the actors’ Vine accounts because there are spoilers on there too. So, my overall advice would be to proceed with extreme caution on Twitter and Vine, and steer well clear of trying to oogle any of the cast. That niggling feeling in the back of your mind that shit is about to go down with that character is probably right.

Although my advice to stay hibernated while you watch all 110 episodes of Pretty Little Liars goes against this point, I would say that it’s pretty important to go out and live your life over the summer. Do some drawings, bake that cake, and travel the length of the country, because there is no way of knowing what's at the end of that journey unless you go. I have thoroughly enjoyed freezing to death in Castle Park at 9pm in a mini skirt whilst watching a French film on the big screen, and lying at the side of a lake looking at the stars at 23:30 after a Long Island Ice Tea and a larger. Although the moths near my phone flashlight were not my favourite things. I've also enjoyed staying up till 4:30am watching Catfish the movie with my closest friends and chatting, and then spontaneously deciding to go for a walk to a lake in our pyjamas and a random hoodie from my wardrobe. One of the best things you can do during this time is know when and when not it’s appropriate to pull out your phone. Calling a taxi or taking a picture of some strawberries and cream is fine, or even to tweet something hilarious your friend just said whilst engrossed in a YouTube video (the world really does need to see how much fun I'm having), but when you're sat that lake at 23:30, your camera isn’t going to capture anything good in the pitch black and, as neither of you are talking, its only real use is as a flashlight. But yanno, being a teenager wouldn’t be complete without staying up till 4am after re-finding Vine and then moaning about your sibling playing music at 12:30 the next day – so be sure to do a bit of that too.

Over the summer, I also have a few responsibilities to take care of as well. I need to sort out that university crap, pick up my A2 results and that, I also need to properly pack up my belongings to move house (although I'm finding the brutality needed to chuck out my reading books from when I was 3 years old a little hard), I also keep meaning to book train tickets and book hotels, but all I've done is put all my shoes in a cardboard box and set a reminder to call Specsavers tomorrow at 13:00 tomorrow using Siri. I mean, we can’t all be superstars reminding 20,000 people #dontgotoseaworld at one of our gigs in San Diego.

I could make a checklist as long as one of Harry Styles’ lanky limbs of things you should try to do over the summer holidays (especially when you have an extra 2 weeks off before going to university), but to be perfectly candid (I've been watching Brooklyn Nine Nine too), I can’t really be bothered, and the things you do should be up to you anyway! Just be sure to do something, even if it is hitting reblog a shit tonne of times or adding Common People to that Spotify playlist.